My nephew

Keagen Ty Phillips

This is the picture of my nephew. I wish I could say it was A picture of my nephew. God only allowed us to have one portrait of him.

We should be driving back from New Mexico this weekend from a two year old's birthday party. Instead I jump every time my phone rings in case it is my sister needing an ear.

I have never felt so helpless in a situation. I didn't know until the next day that God had taken him home. I was dealing with a health situation of my own at the time. I don't know if we didn't know until the next day or if Jerrad let me get one more night's sleep before telling me. Either way, I am glad it didn't come until Monday morning. Although we knew for a day or so that he probably wouldn't make it, I was still in shock. Jerrad's grandma had passed just hours before Keagen did. At that time I couldn't stand or sit, I could only lie on my stomach... and cry... and PRAY.

I cried out plenty of "Why God?" and "Please comfort all of us." and "Show me what I must learn from this!"

Later that week after the funerals that I didn't get to attend, I cried out again. Although I still don't understand, I am at peace.

Does all of this scare me when I think of having my own children? You bet it does!! But the Lord knows. He knows even when we don't. I started working for Dr. Bill, my baby doctor, last August. That was just a year after Keagen. Hurt was still rather fresh and so were my fears. But God knew what I needed. I needed to see girls come in and have no problems, and to see mothers bring in their little ones and watch them grow. I could've taken it bitterly as to why they got to keep their children but David and Katarina couldn't have theirs. But my God is good! It was a teaching tool. It has grown me into knowing that whatever He wills will be just what I need. It may hurt like crazy and have no explanation to my finite eyes, but it is what I need, and He'll carry me through!